"You will lose someone you can't live without and your
heart will be broken. The bad news is that you never
completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this
is also the good news. They live forever in your broken
heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through.
with God's help you come through. It's like having a
broken leg that never heals perfectly. It still hurts when
the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the
limp."
-Anne Lamott
It was six months ago today that my beloved Bert went home to God. In the aftermath of this HUGE life-change, add the pandemic, add that going to church in person is not okay, and add that I am a high risk person because of high blood pressure so seeing my "lovies" will not happen in the same way. Yes, lots of heart-breaking in the last six months. Yet, as I sit here this morning, I am filled with gratitude for a Heavenly Father who has carried me through every storm. It's fair to say that it hasn't always been pretty, nor the life-lessons learnings I could hardly wait to learn. But I sit here today filled with so much gratitude for Bert and all the blessings that God has graciously bestowed on me. The last six months have been filled with pain, sorrow, joy, gratitude, hope,
and so many, many important life lessons.
I thought I'd share just a few of those with you this morning and in my upcoming blog entries. My heart and soul are ready to write again after an important hiatus. Here are three important lessons
that I am grateful for:
When you are hit with a loss the size of a hurricane, you are not
alone. Hang on to Jesus!
This may sound like some kind of religious cliche, but in my hardest life losses I hang on to God and tell Him everything I am feeling. I share it all and I don't wrap it in a neat, little package. I have big, ugly cries. I sit on the swing and tell my Heavenly Father that I am so mad and sad and scared that I feel lost and alone. I know He hears me and I know that He gives me a peace that passes all understanding. I read Jesus Calling every morning and am reminded of the quote....
"Don't only tell God how big the storm is. Also remember to
tell the storm how BIG God is!"
Reach out to others in small and big ways. Let them know you need support and what that support can look like!
This learning hasn't been easy. It has never been easy for me to ask for help from others. I know how busy or burdened they are and I
don't want to add to that burden. Yet, while I am taking small steps
to do this, every step is a miracle. For example my dear friends who are prayer warriors have surrounded me in prayer. Jackie and I are forever friends and we have both shared our broken hearts and asked each other to pray for us. Knowing someone is praying for me, and those I love, eases my hurting heart. My dear sister-in-Christ Kathy, also known as Bazz, has encouraged me to call her when I am lonely. She lost her husband, Craig, nine years ago so she understands how deep the loss is. On one phone call she said, "Tell me about Bert!" Oh how wonderful it was to share how much I love him. She just sent me the most amazing Christian music that brings me to tears and smiles every time I hear it. It's called "The Blessing" by Elevation Worship.
I've also taken to reaching out by making "bread runs" in my family and in our neighborhood. When I go to Great Harvest Bakery (yum...) I get several extra loaves for those who have been so helpful to me. Then when I get home I make "bread deliveries." While it's so hard to miss contact with family and friends and church (because of the pandemic), even small conversations with a bread delivery help to heal my soul.
Tell your dearest family members, friends and loved ones how much you love them. Every time you reach out to someone who is really hurting you throw them a life-line!
There are no words to express how much the love of my dear family has meant to me. Amy and her family, Jessi and her family, and Erik and his family, have reached out again and again to listen, comfort and support me. This darn pandemic makes that hard at times, but their phone calls, visits and invitations are a lifeline of JOY for me. My precious Grandchildren, or "grands" as Jackie calls them, always put a smile on my face. A recent 4th of July get together was just what my heart needed! Waking up and having Sihin, Jacob and Jenna in the kitchen was so fun. Amy and Mason went back and forth to Spokane as did Jessi's family, but watching the grandkids (Emma, Owen, Jacob, Jenna. Parker, Felicity and Sihin) on Roger and Jessi's boat was so joyous for me.
Soon we had friends and boyfriends and girlfriends there for the 4th and all the fireworks. I felt the most normal I have felt since Bert died. I can't get enough of reminding my dear "lovies" how much I love them.
A recent visit from Erik and Theresa was a life-saver for me. Also, they regularly send me the cutest videos of my precious great
granddaughter Dorthy, and I can watch them and chuckle over and over again!
Phone calls and text messages from Amy and Jessi over the last six months have jump-started my heart so many times. Often it's a question like, "How's today going, Mom?" Often it's a phone call to check in and share what is going on in their lives. Those moments are priceless and a reminder that I am loved and cared for! I also love getting their pictures and videos. They bring such JOY to my life.
That's it for now. It feels good to write again, just as it felt right and good to take a break when my heart needed mending. I know the grieving process will go on forever. Like Ann Lamott, one of my favorite writer says, this kind of grief never goes away. It's like a broken leg that doesn't heal perfectly. You always have a limp, but you learn to dance with it!
Here's to continuing to dance, no matter what!
God Bless you!
Love, Linda
Friday, July 24, 2020
Sunday, February 02, 2020
Gratitude and Grieving....
Death ends a life...
not a relationship.
-Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie
As I sit at my computer this morning, a cup of coffee in hand after taking Daisy for a walk, I feel such a mix of sadness and gratitude.
Both Daisy and I are grieving because on Friday, January 24th at 7:20 pm, my beloved Bert went home to God.
Tears stream down my face as I write these words since the grief and loss is incomprehensible. After being in Bert's life for more than 37 years and married to him this April 7th for 36 years, I can't
imagine my life without him here. Even though I knew this was
coming, we both did, the hole that is left is about the size of the Grand Canyon.
During the last few months, Bert was clear about how he wanted things to go. He wanted, instead of a memorial service, to have a "life celebration party" that he was a part of. After reading the book Tuesdays with Morrie, and seeing the movie starring Jack Lemon, Bert was struck by Morrie' decision to have a "living funeral." Morrie wanted to kiss and hold his loved ones and friends and hear the kind things they had to say about him. A proper "goodbye" if you will.
Bert loved that idea so on September 14th, two days after his birthday, we gathered with food, flowers and balloons to celebrate the love of my life. We shared old stories, our Pastor was there and talked about the HUGE gift Bert was to everyone he met, and how he had done pro-bono marriage counseling for 2/3rds of our congregation. Pastor talked about Bert being an usher, in the choir,
and giving of himself constantly to others. Sister Elisha sang Bert's favorite gospel song "You're All I Need." Bert was surrounded by family and friends and I knew God was smiling. What a good, unselfish and faithful servant Bert was.
Bert also wanted to be at home when he died, no more hospitals, and no hospital bed. He wanted to be surrounded by people who loved him. On January 24th he was at home, surrounded by family
who has been keeping watch over him the three previous days.
My dearly beloved wanted me by his side when he went home to God. I was exhausted Friday late afternoon so I went to take a nap
next to Bert and Daisy our special pooch came with me. I had my arms around Bert and my head next to his as I fell asleep. Several hours later, Daisy woke me up frantically, I turned to Bert and told him how much I loved him and held him as he took his last two breaths and went home to God.
This past week has been a blur as I try to come to grips with a monumental change, a change that rocks every part of my life.
Yesterday morning I went and got the box of the love letters Bert had sent me when we were dating. Just reading them reminded me
of how deep and wide and full Bert's love for me was. He was the love of my life, my soul mate and my very best friend.
I am holding on to God and my family as the reality sets in. I am comforted in knowing that God has got Bert, whole and healed, and that my beloved is no longer hurting and in pain. I am also comforted because I know God loves me and is holding me up.
I will miss him forever.
God Bless!
Love, Linda
not a relationship.
-Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie
As I sit at my computer this morning, a cup of coffee in hand after taking Daisy for a walk, I feel such a mix of sadness and gratitude.
Both Daisy and I are grieving because on Friday, January 24th at 7:20 pm, my beloved Bert went home to God.
Tears stream down my face as I write these words since the grief and loss is incomprehensible. After being in Bert's life for more than 37 years and married to him this April 7th for 36 years, I can't
imagine my life without him here. Even though I knew this was
coming, we both did, the hole that is left is about the size of the Grand Canyon.
During the last few months, Bert was clear about how he wanted things to go. He wanted, instead of a memorial service, to have a "life celebration party" that he was a part of. After reading the book Tuesdays with Morrie, and seeing the movie starring Jack Lemon, Bert was struck by Morrie' decision to have a "living funeral." Morrie wanted to kiss and hold his loved ones and friends and hear the kind things they had to say about him. A proper "goodbye" if you will.
Bert loved that idea so on September 14th, two days after his birthday, we gathered with food, flowers and balloons to celebrate the love of my life. We shared old stories, our Pastor was there and talked about the HUGE gift Bert was to everyone he met, and how he had done pro-bono marriage counseling for 2/3rds of our congregation. Pastor talked about Bert being an usher, in the choir,
and giving of himself constantly to others. Sister Elisha sang Bert's favorite gospel song "You're All I Need." Bert was surrounded by family and friends and I knew God was smiling. What a good, unselfish and faithful servant Bert was.
Bert also wanted to be at home when he died, no more hospitals, and no hospital bed. He wanted to be surrounded by people who loved him. On January 24th he was at home, surrounded by family
who has been keeping watch over him the three previous days.
My dearly beloved wanted me by his side when he went home to God. I was exhausted Friday late afternoon so I went to take a nap
next to Bert and Daisy our special pooch came with me. I had my arms around Bert and my head next to his as I fell asleep. Several hours later, Daisy woke me up frantically, I turned to Bert and told him how much I loved him and held him as he took his last two breaths and went home to God.
This past week has been a blur as I try to come to grips with a monumental change, a change that rocks every part of my life.
Yesterday morning I went and got the box of the love letters Bert had sent me when we were dating. Just reading them reminded me
of how deep and wide and full Bert's love for me was. He was the love of my life, my soul mate and my very best friend.
I am holding on to God and my family as the reality sets in. I am comforted in knowing that God has got Bert, whole and healed, and that my beloved is no longer hurting and in pain. I am also comforted because I know God loves me and is holding me up.
I will miss him forever.
God Bless!
Love, Linda
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Word of the Year for 2020- GRATITUDE
"In the face of demoralization, gratitude has the power
to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has
the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has
the power to bring hope. In other words, gratitude can
help us cope with hard times."
-Robert Emmons
I love the start of a New Year! I love that it's full of new possibilities. While I no longer make a long list of New Year's
resolutions that I may forget and discard when I get busy, I do wholeheartedly believe in self reflection. I do believe in working on being the best me I can be and that self reflection can help me get there.
So instead of making New Year's resolutions, in 2014 I started the practice of having a WORD for the year. That word would help guide me in the directions I wanted to go and the personal and professional growth I wanted to make.
My word in 2014 was wholehearted- I wanted to live my life by pouring my whole heart into everything I did. No half baked efforts or promises, I wanted to be all-in!
In 2015 my word was renew and I wanted God to renew a right spirit in me. I wanted to look for the good in others.
In 2016 my word was light. Just as for me, Jesus is the light of the world, light to me replaces the darkness in any situation. I wanted to focus on bringing positive light to everything I did.
In 2017 my word was hope. Hope is the expectation of positive things to come. I focused on knowing, with God's grace, that any situation can be turned around and bring hope.
In 2018 my word was serenity. No matter what the situation looked like from the outside, I wanted, with prayer, to feel calm and peaceful knowing that even in great loss, all shall be well.
In 2019 my word was transition. With easy and hard changes my focus was to be like a butterfly learning to fly. Things can transition into something even better as I look hard to see the blessings in the change.
As 2020 approached I contemplated what my word for the year might be. After all, this was not just a New Year but a new decade. I didn't have to think long and hard because I've learned that whatever word God has in store for me, that word will find me.
And it did.
I was standing in the hall at SCC where I teach and a former student rushed up to me. She had been in my Conflict Management class last year and anguished over her verbally aggressive conflict management style. She knew it was destroying her relationship with her boyfriend. As we stood in the hall, she described all she had learned in class, how she had applied it to her life and heart, and that everything had changed because of what she learned. With tears streaming she showed me her engagement ring and we hugged right there.
She said she was so grateful that I had believed she had the potential to turn her life around. She knew if she changed her attitude and looked for gratitude that even in the toughest times all would be okay. She said I probably heard "thanks" all the time, but she wanted me to know she was so thankful I had been her teacher. And then she left promising to see me soon.
As I stood there tears started to stream down my face. I was so overwhelmed that she took the time to say thank you.
My heart has been hurting so much lately with Bert's illness and this student's gratitude and thank you washed over me like a healing balm.
At that moment I knew my word for 2020 would be gratitude.
I can either focus on what is hard, or I can focus on so many things that give me joy.
I can focus on feeling so scared that Bert is so ill, or I can
focus on the laughter of my darling grandkids.
I can focus on a loss or I can choose to look back at more than 35 years of pure joy and love.
I can focus on how hard this is or practice being present in the moment and see the white sparking snow outside.
I can focus on how alone I feel or remember that God is with me, and with Bert, in every moment we have left together.
Often people assume gratitude is merely ignoring any difficulties they are facing and only focusing on the positive. However, for me, practicing gratitude gives me the
ability to accept whatever my current challenges are while
still finding joy throughout the struggle.
So today as I sit by the fire typing this journal entry, I am so grateful to God for His love and blessings. I am so grateful for the wonderful and caring people He has brought into my life
And as 2020 evolves, I am trusting in Him each step of the way. With His grace and His love, I'll be grateful for it all!
God bless!
Love,
Linda
to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has
the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has
the power to bring hope. In other words, gratitude can
help us cope with hard times."
-Robert Emmons
I love the start of a New Year! I love that it's full of new possibilities. While I no longer make a long list of New Year's
resolutions that I may forget and discard when I get busy, I do wholeheartedly believe in self reflection. I do believe in working on being the best me I can be and that self reflection can help me get there.
So instead of making New Year's resolutions, in 2014 I started the practice of having a WORD for the year. That word would help guide me in the directions I wanted to go and the personal and professional growth I wanted to make.
My word in 2014 was wholehearted- I wanted to live my life by pouring my whole heart into everything I did. No half baked efforts or promises, I wanted to be all-in!
In 2015 my word was renew and I wanted God to renew a right spirit in me. I wanted to look for the good in others.
In 2016 my word was light. Just as for me, Jesus is the light of the world, light to me replaces the darkness in any situation. I wanted to focus on bringing positive light to everything I did.
In 2017 my word was hope. Hope is the expectation of positive things to come. I focused on knowing, with God's grace, that any situation can be turned around and bring hope.
In 2018 my word was serenity. No matter what the situation looked like from the outside, I wanted, with prayer, to feel calm and peaceful knowing that even in great loss, all shall be well.
In 2019 my word was transition. With easy and hard changes my focus was to be like a butterfly learning to fly. Things can transition into something even better as I look hard to see the blessings in the change.
As 2020 approached I contemplated what my word for the year might be. After all, this was not just a New Year but a new decade. I didn't have to think long and hard because I've learned that whatever word God has in store for me, that word will find me.
And it did.
I was standing in the hall at SCC where I teach and a former student rushed up to me. She had been in my Conflict Management class last year and anguished over her verbally aggressive conflict management style. She knew it was destroying her relationship with her boyfriend. As we stood in the hall, she described all she had learned in class, how she had applied it to her life and heart, and that everything had changed because of what she learned. With tears streaming she showed me her engagement ring and we hugged right there.
She said she was so grateful that I had believed she had the potential to turn her life around. She knew if she changed her attitude and looked for gratitude that even in the toughest times all would be okay. She said I probably heard "thanks" all the time, but she wanted me to know she was so thankful I had been her teacher. And then she left promising to see me soon.
As I stood there tears started to stream down my face. I was so overwhelmed that she took the time to say thank you.
My heart has been hurting so much lately with Bert's illness and this student's gratitude and thank you washed over me like a healing balm.
At that moment I knew my word for 2020 would be gratitude.
I can either focus on what is hard, or I can focus on so many things that give me joy.
I can focus on feeling so scared that Bert is so ill, or I can
focus on the laughter of my darling grandkids.
I can focus on a loss or I can choose to look back at more than 35 years of pure joy and love.
I can focus on how hard this is or practice being present in the moment and see the white sparking snow outside.
I can focus on how alone I feel or remember that God is with me, and with Bert, in every moment we have left together.
Often people assume gratitude is merely ignoring any difficulties they are facing and only focusing on the positive. However, for me, practicing gratitude gives me the
ability to accept whatever my current challenges are while
still finding joy throughout the struggle.
So today as I sit by the fire typing this journal entry, I am so grateful to God for His love and blessings. I am so grateful for the wonderful and caring people He has brought into my life
And as 2020 evolves, I am trusting in Him each step of the way. With His grace and His love, I'll be grateful for it all!
God bless!
Love,
Linda
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