God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It's a huge relief to have someone know you inside and out. Their knowing can give you the courage and hope to look in the mirror and see who you are and where you are in your life's journey.
My daughter, Amy, is one of those people for me. Not only does she know me, she loves me...just as I am. She is a truth teller in my life, but a gentle truth teller whose deep caring and empathy is soul-healing. I have talked to her about the struggle going on inside of me. Her listening ear to Gmy truths has given me the strength to try and put words to what has been going on and where I am now. Thanks, Aim!
Another friend, Gramma Grits, who has faithfully read this blog, asked me, in the comment section, if I was okay. She said she had been stopping in and was concerned about the fact that I had not been writing. Her concern and compassion brought a flood of tears, almost uncontrollable. Thank you, Grandma Grits!
And my forever friend, Jackie, always keeps me in her prayers. She knows how much I love God, and she knows how much I love Vicky. She loves Vicky, too. Jackie's prayers have helped my hurting heart. Thanks, Jackie!
So while I have been held up, loved and listened to, and I am so grateful for that love and support, I have still struggled. Lately I have wondered if I really let the things out that are in my deepest heart if I would ever stop crying.
A bit of backstory about me for any readers who do not know me well. Usually, I am one to be on "the bright side," thanking God for all of the blessings and challenges as they bring me closer to Him. I still feel that way, but I have also always been someone who has such deep feelings about people I love that when I lose them my heart is broken.
Not just broken, shattered.
Recently, rather than write out what is going on inside, I have been asking God to guide me with books to read that might soothe my weary soul. As expected, He answered that prayer and then some. So I read and I cry and I read some more. It's almost as if God has come near to me through prayer and the words of others.
What brought me to this place, you might ask?
What brought me here is a loss so profound that I don't have words to describe it.
What brought me here is a grief so profound, that it turns to anger and then turns back to grief again.
Let me explain. I probably knew in my deepest heart-of- hearts that my beloved friend, Vicky Westra, might die from cancer. After all, when her initial diagnosis was stage four, the battle became how to keep her alive for as long as possible. While I had known Vicky prior to her diagnosis, I walked with her through the last 7 years of her life. I saw her bravery, courage, resilience, compassion, empathy and pain, lots and lots of pain.
I prayed and pererayed in those seven years for God to do a healing miracle in Vicky's life. While I knew Vicky might die from cancer, I also knew then, and believe now, that God can do miracles! Never the less, on October 13th, 2018, Vicky went home to God and a deep and painful loss set in for me.
Pain that was physical. Pain that was emotional. Pain that
was spiritual.
Vicky and I fit like a glove. I am just about the age where she could have been my daughter, and since her own Mama's death, perhaps I became a bonus Mama for her as well.
We called ourselves "soul sisters." Yet somehow even that endearment didn't catch it all.
For the last months and weeks of Vicky's life, we texted almost every day. I will save all those text messages forever, especially the one that said, "If two days go by, sweet friend, and I don't text you, you will know I am on my way back to God."
Every text after that brought such relief. She was still here.
And then the text messages stopped coming. It was time for her to go Home.
I am so grateful to have been a small part of her support system. Yet, while I knew things would be different after her death, I had no idea how different.
Simultaneously, my dear friend Eileen Thompson was dying from ALS, and still is, and our precious 12 year old neighbor, Julia, was fighting for her life. She, too, has cancer.
In all of these hard times, I have just kept praying and praying. I have been asking God to guide my path and give me the strength to come along side Eileen and Julia, just as I had tried to come along side my precious soul sis, Vicky.
Then Bert and I took a much needed vacation and I spent much of that time "away" reading, loving, hoping and healing. It was also close to 2019, a new year and time to pick my word for the year.
Truth be told, I didn't just pick the word. I asked God to help me see the word He wanted for me. And then, out of the blue, came the word...
Serenity
Serenity: A chance to breathe and reflect.
Serenity: A prayer I have prayed many, many times
as I tried to "Let Go and Let God."
Serenity: Peace of mind, heart and spirit.
Serenity: An inner calm that God has "got this,"
no matter what "this" is.
Then, after we returned from vacation and I was going through Christmas cards, I saw a letter that changed my life. It changed everything. It brought light to the darkness and hope to my heart.
It replaced fear and grief with hope and serenity.
The Christmas card and letter were from Rick Westra, Vicky's beloved husband. The card had a picture of their sons' Colton and Nolan and their pooch, Crosby. Inside the Christmas card was a
letter. I opened it, hardly able to breathe.
Rick's carefully chosen words helped my heart to heal even more. He thanked me for being an angel on earth for Vicky and their family. I can't write this without tears flowing and flowing. And as I read his kind words, a peace beyond understanding started to heal my heart. Serenity started to replace fear and anger with hope, healing and gratitude.
And a new life-lesson was born: Look how Vicky had touched us, all of us, especially Rick and the boys. All of us would always miss her, but she would want us to grieve and then get back to living.
I wouldn't do a thing differently. Knowing what I know, and how much it hurts to have her gone, I would still choose
to love her with my whole heart.
And I would know then, as I know now, that "All is well."
Vicky is home with God, safe and secure in His loving arms.
And I now know, as I have always known, that serenity and peace are here for the asking. Just as Vicky is safe and secure in God's loving arms, so am I in those same arms.
God Bless!
Much love always,
Linda
