Sunday, March 23, 2008

Say What You Need To Say: Random Thoughts on Easter Morning

I know a blog is not a diary or a journal. I also know that every time I sit down to this keyboard I have an opportunity to be authentic. It is always a choice. I can stick to safe topics or I can put myself out there for the bigger learnings. This morning I choose the latter.

Some days just are not easy. Some weeks aren't either. It is Easter morning, and my tears are flowing. I am so grateful for Jesus, for His death and resurrection. At the same time I am sad.

Not exactly sure of the reason, but I have some guesses.

In graduate school I took the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory. It measures areas of your personality and one part of the test looks at whether you are a "Thinker" or "Feeler". It doesn't mean that you don't do both, it just looks at what is your natural preference. What happens first for you. I measure off the charts as a feeler.

I feel everything, and I feel it with my whole heart. Most of the time I feel real joy...tons of JOY! I can also feel really irritated and seldom, sad.

Today, truth be told (and I am working on always telling the truth), I feel sad. I wish I felt joy, and I may feel joy in an hour, but right now...when it is dark outside, I feel sad.

What am I feeling sad about? Probably a myriad of things. Here are just a few random thoughts that may explain my feelings:

* I feel so, so sad that Eileen Thompson's Mom died. I know what it is like to lose a Mom, especially when you are an only child. I can't stop crying thinking about Eileen back at her Mom's home by herself on Easter. I feel so sad that I can't just fly back there and hold her hand. Eileen loves God and God is there holding her. But as I pulled out an old plastic Easter bunny this morning, one that my Mom always put on our Easter table, I burst into tears. I have been crying ever since. I miss my Mom every day. I miss talking to her. I miss that out of all the people in the world, she wanted to know every detail of my life. I miss her advice. I even miss the things about her that irritated me so much when she was alive. I miss the Easter basket she would have sent me on Easter morning.

* I feel sad that I sometimes take things so personally and that I haven't made more progress in growing in this area. I have been sick for three weeks, and got more sick yesterday, and I know that "colors" my view. But it hurts my feelings to write a blog post about what really matters to me and have people who really matter to me not comment on what matters to me! It may sound silly, once out in print, but do I say...well, you probably looked at it, but didn't comment...that hurts my heart? I haven't said anything because there is no "law" that they even have to look at it so I feel like a 61 year old "Wa Wa baby" as Jacob calls it. Does it make me sad? Yes it does. Do I try to comment and support them on the things that "Toot their horn" even if it isn't something that I do...I think so, but right now I'm not so sure.

* I feel sad that I have an "athletic injury". Now... I live in a family of "real athletes" that either play basketball like Michael Jordan :) or bike like Lance Armstrong :) or run like the wind. So "athletic injury" is relative for sure. I tried running yesterday for the first time since I broke my ankle. Seemed OK at the time, but my left knee got more and more sore as the day progressed, felt like it went "out" on me, and I had to go to Safeway and get an elastic knee "brace" to give it more support. No..I didn't "stretch" before running. It has been so long since I ran that I just didn't think of it? On top of being sick, I felt frustrated that this happened and mad at myself for not stretching.

* I feel sad that Amy and Ryan's cars got broken into. I feel sad for the violation that it is to them and their children. I feel sad at how sad it has made them. I feel sad for the hurting person who did this awful thing.

* I feel sad that I tried to do something nice for someone and it felt to me like it fell "flat". I may be oversensitive (probably am), but I somehow expected a reaction I didn't get and I almost felt embarrased that I did what I did.

* I feel sad that I got a nasty email last week. It came from someone in my "outer circle", but it hurt never the less. I wasn't blameless in what happened. God keeps working on me about being more kind, even to those I struggle with. This reminds me of the quote "God loves me completely, just as I am. But He loves me too much to leave me like this." I am such a "work in progress."

Just writing all of this makes me feel a bit better. Max Lucado says in Hope:

"Do yourself a favor; take your anxious moments to the cross.
Leave them there with your bad moments, sad moments, and mad moments." I think I just did.

Max Lucado also says:

"Nails didn't hold God to a cross. Love did."

That love sustains me this morning. That love and grace give me strength to face my fears and my sadness. That love and hope from God will give me courage to "Say What I Need To Say" to some of the people in my life." It may not be today...but I need to be transparent with them, no matter what the results are.

It is Easter morning. And "Christ's resurrection is an exploding flare announcing to all sincere seekers that it is safe to believe."

Thank goodness for Easter! Thank goodness for being a seeker. Thank goodness for Jesus and His resurrection!
God Bless! Happy Easter!
Love and hugs to all who read this, even if you don't comment :)


jessithompson said...

I love you, Mom. Thank you for sharing your heart, even when it's sad. That's authentic and real... I love you more for it.

Our Family said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad this morning. I can relate to being a feeler! Sounds like you've got a lot on your emotional plate right now. When I'm overwhelmed at the "stuff" in my life I know that I need to look up and take my eyes off of my circumstances and put my eyes on my God. (Easier said than done, I know)

I'm proud of you for saying what you need to say... even when it is hard. Sometimes it feels good just to let it out.

I'm always here if you want to vent or process :)

xoxo, me

Finding Comfort in Kindness...sharing from the heart

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