Thursday, August 13, 2009

Near Tears....

Most days I wake up and feel boyant and happy. Today isn't one of those days. I feel near tears and somewhat overwhelmed. Lots of reasons for this.

I vowed I'd be transparent in writing this blog and while I don't get into all the details of my intimate life, I don't want to gloss over the truth.

I have an overwhelming feeling of missing my Mom and wishing I could call her so she could reassure me (oops not near tears now, pretty much sobbing). I just plain miss her and her wisdom.

I wonder how God can be so patient and forgiving of me as I struggle to be the person He intends me to be (blowing my nose now, this isn't pretty). There is so much I don't understand as I see hurt people and know that I have hurt people too.

Recently several dear friends, like Mary Ann Sanger, have died. I miss them. Not easy at all to have them gone.

We got another letter that we are having another 2% cut at the college. That's on top of the 7% cut we have already taken. I'm on a committee to work on the "where will we get it from now?"
Yikes!

I'm tired, just plain tired, of living in a construction zone since last January. The rain has stopped the work on the outside of our house, so construction has again been delayed and the "finish date" extended. As I write this I realize it sounds like whining, and I hate whining, but I'm really disappointed in this delay.

I've been working on cleaning out our house, one drawer at a time. It's not how I want to spend my time, but it is how I need to spend my time. Yuck!! WAY overdue!!

I miss hugging my kids and grandkids. They are growing up so fast. I have seen them recently, but there is never enough time. Someone who is critical could argue with me to stop working or it's a matter of prioritizing choices...yup, I know that, but that's just how I feel right now. Finding that balance isn't easy.

Lots of things are changing. Some of those "things" are relationships that mean alot to me. I know that change is good, but it isn't always easy. I'm trying to be flexible and "go with the flow". Not my strong suit.

I wish I could have a big, big cry like Jenna, say "I'm sorry" and feel better.

I know in my heart of hearts that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to be near tears, it's ok to be where I am. I know I'll be better soon.

I can hear my Dad in the back of my head.."You get five total minutes in your life to whine...."
OK Dad...my time is up!

God Bless!
Love, Linda





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3 comments:

jessithompson said...

I love you, momma. So very, very much.

Our Family said...

Mom,

I know that this summer has had it's ups and downs. I'm glad that I've been able to support you through some of those...but Jesus is there through all of them. He knows the deep desires of your heart for healing and He wants to walk with you through all of the good days and the "near tear" days.

Thanks for sharing what is on your heart. I love you.

Love, me

LORIE said...

Dear Linda:

I love this post because one thing that I admire about you is that you are real. I know it is strange to hear from me and I apologize. I felt overwhelmed by your request and quite frankly didn't know where to start. Not a good excuse but truthful.

I miss my mom as well. I took a moment this week and just looked at her picture. I had moments where I was smiling and moment where I fought the tears. I never realized the importance of her presence in my life until she was gone. Know how blessed your daughters are to have you. You are truly a blessing.

I know that your God hears you. I hear you. I understand and although I can not fix it. . . . I know everything will work out. Take a moment each day to find joy.

I do love you. I do think of you very often. Part of who I am though, is that I am not good in staying in touch. It is one reason I blogged. It kept people in touch with my life. I am sorry for hurting you. Know that I seek a relationship with you but that keeping in touch is not something I do well with and I surround myself with people who are okay with that for that reason.

All my love always

L.

A Reminder of What Matters...

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