We are not troubled
by the things
that happen to us,
but by our opinion
of the things
that happen to us.
Some weeks I just struggle. A sense of unrest wanders in and perches
in my heart and soul. I feel off balance and as if I'm holding my breath.
I reach out and talk to God almost endlessly. As Ann Lamott says, one of my three most important prayers is "HELP!"
This is that kind of week.
I'm in that in between place where almost everyone has gone back to school
and starting again for me is right around the corner. And my heart is heavy. Even though I know God has a plan and that everything works for His good,
I am scared. Lots and lots of things are changing right before my eyes.
My conversations with God go something like this:
"Is it just me, Lord? I feel so little and scared and like I can't breathe. I know You are in charge, so could You please let me know that everything is going to be okay? I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting things and seeing people and circumstances the way you would want me to see them.
Okay, so I know the answer to that. I know I'm not seeing them that way. My opinion of things is leaving You out of the picture. I have the biggest lump in my throat.
Could You please help me to trust You more?"
Probably the biggest, most scary, most 'I have no vote on this' and how it turns out...thing that is happening is that my precious friend Vicky Westra
has had a PET scan this week. Yesterday to be exact. Vicky has stage IV breast cancer and the test will give the doctors information about where active cancer
still exists in her body (from the neck down). It's a this is where you really are kind of moment.
I have been on my knees this weekend praying and praying for a miracle.
Tears have flowed. I believe in the power of prayer and I know Vicky's
prayer warriors are all doing the same.
Beseeching the Lord God Almighty...
Please give my special friend Vicky two more weeks and two more months and forever to be here with her precious family.
And I wonder, in the early morning hours, how this must feel to her amazing husband, Rick, and to her two sons Nolan and Colton, especially Colton.
Perhaps the two boys don't know the magnitude of this test.
If I'm honest, I've been a little mad at God. You see I've been here before. Praying and beseeching for sweet little Daisy Love Merrick, just a little girl, who fought cancer so, so hard. Who loved God with all her heart. And she went home to Jesus. It broke her Mommy and Daddy's hearts. And it hurt so much to lose her. And when that happened I wondered to God, silently and out loud, why He didn't answer all of those prayers to make her well again.
I know, in my mind and heart, that Daisy's little-girl faith impacted thousands and thousands of people, but I am still so sad that she isn't here. Yet I am pulled back to what it is I know to be true about the God I know and love and serve...
I still know, no matter what, that prayer is powerful and that God hears our prayers.
I still know that God does miracles every day.
I still know that God's timing is almost never my timing.
I still know that God loves me and He loves Vicky and He will be there no matter what the results of the test show.
I know that I have an opinion of what God should do and when He should do it.
And I am troubled because I am struggling to just let go and truly turn all of this, all of my life and all of my fears, over to Him.
And so this morning, I will do just that. Pray for Vicky and pray that my heart finds rest. As it says in today's entry in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:
Walk with Me along paths of trust. The most direct route between point A and point B on your life-journey is the path of unwavering trust in Me.
...As soon as you realize you have wandered from your trust-path, look to me and whisper, "I trust You, Jesus."
And to that I whisper those exact words and say, "Amen and Amen!"
Could I please ask a favor? Could you please keep my dear friend Vicky in your prayers? Thanks!
"If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old." ...