Saturday, September 02, 2017

If I Had Only Known...


                     
      If I had only known, 
      it was the last walk in the rain,
      I'd keep you out for hours in the storm.
      I would hold your hand,
      like a life-line to my heart,
      underneath the thunder we'd be warm.
      If I had only known.
      it was the last walk in the rain.
                               Song sung by Reba McEntire

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgNIKabg_fE


My Mama once told me that this day would come, the day when I was older and started to lose my friends. She reassured me that it happened to everyone. I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday. "You'll go to lots of memorial services," she almost whispered. "You may wish you could stay home, but always go and say goodbye."

She was right, you know. Both that we'd go to lots of services and that it matters, when you can, to say goodbye.

Bert and I are of the age where we are losing some dear friends, and we always want to "show up" to honor them and to love on their families.

Yet some services, totally a surprise, are harder than others.

Carolyn Wall's death was one of those services.

Bert and I have known both Don and Carolyn in different contexts. Don, Carolyn's husband, had been in a poetry class
with Bert. Two guys with humor in their hearts, and hearts as big as all outdoors, egging each other on. With poems that brought laughter and poems that brought tears.

We had already been to Don's memorial service.

I had taught with Carolyn at SCC for over 30 years. She taught English, and I teach Communication classes there. 
We were in the same division and saw each other daily...in the hall and at meetings. She was an amazing teacher who loved the written word and loved her students. She was my colleague and my dear friend. We both loved to kibitz about our husbands at that poetry class, how warm and wonderful and funny they were. I light up she I talk about Bert and similarly Carolyn always lit up when she talked about Don.

In fact the words Don and Carolyn almost seemed like one word.

No matter how long they had been married, Don looked at Carolyn with his heart wide open, as if she was the very best thing that had ever happened to him. All of those years of marriage and that look had never changed. He adored her.

And in her more quiet and unassuming way, Carolyn was always his "bride" and she looked right back at him as if he was the only person in the room.

Three adult children later, lots of grandkids, careers as English teachers...they walked through life together. 

"Devoted to each other,"  that's what my Bert used to say about them.

And when Don died, Carolyn knew she'd go it alone and be there for the kids and grandkids and family and friends, but there was never quite the same look in her eyes. They were dimmer without her Don.

And now it was her turn to go.
After a stroke and a recovery and then another stroke.
In a heartbeat... she was gone too.

The picture of the two of them was on the table at the memorial service.

Their children knew that Don was going so they had time to say all they wanted to say to their dad.

However, they had no idea that their Mom wasn't going to beat this thing. After all, Carolyn was from Vermont, a tough gal and an overcomer. They just knew that she would overcome this too.

But just like that, in a whisper, she was gone.

There were lots and lots of tears at Carolyn's memorial service, but we all "lost it"  when her youngest son played Reba McEntire's song..."If I Had Only Known."

You could hear the muffled sobs all over the church. We, none of us there, had known that Carolyn was leaving. If we had, we might have visited more often or said our goodbyes or told her more often that we loved her.

Yet I think most of us were crying so hard that we couldn't speak for another reason. As we heard the words to the song, our own "someone" came to mind. 

If they were gone in a heartbeat, would we have regrets that we didn't  really appreciate them more while they were here?

I clutched my beloved Bert's hand through the whole song.
He held my hand tightly and his fingers caressed mine.

He knew that I couldn't fathom losing him.
I knew he couldn't fathom his life without me.

We realized, as the song played and the pictures of Carolyn and Don filled the screen, that their children couldn't fathom losing their Daddy or their Mama.

Jeffery, their youngest son who put together the slideshow that ran with Reba's voice, was a burly tough cop in Seattle.
Yet as the tears cascaded down his cheeks, I realized that under that tough exterior he was still the little boy who loved and missed his Mama.

If he had only known she was going, he might have done things differently. He might have called her more or told her that he loved her. He might have thanked her more often for all she did for him.

As Bert and I left the service and headed home, we talked about how important it is to live every day as if it was your last. How important it is to tell those you love that you love them.

Tell them now.
Do it now.
Don't leave the words unsaid.

So I want to live that way right here, right now and thank all of you who read the words from my heart on this blog. I want you to know that every comment you have ever made has touched me deeply. Your encouragement to write my story
matters to me, more than you could ever know.

I started this blog as a way to process life and share my heart with my family, especially my children and grand babies (some of whom are all grown up now.) I wanted them to know who I am and what has been on my heart.  I wanted to share my life-lessons with them, thoughts that might guide them in their journeys. I wanted them to know that I love God with all my heart and I love them just that same way. 

I wanted them, if they ever read these words, to know how much they matter to me.

I felt ten years ago, and I feel today, like God has led me to do this blog. Usually the verbal one, usually the talker, perhaps writing, instead of talking, would teach me new lessons. And it has.

And if along the way, any of my life-lessons have mattered to you or helped you, then it was worth the risk of putting them "out there." 

In closing, may God bless you and keep you and hold you in the palm of His almighty hand. May you know His love each and every day. May you cherish those you love and may you tell them how much they matter to you. May you do it now, while there is still time for them to hear your words and hold your hand.

And Carolyn, my dear friend, I will miss you forever. 

Love, 
Linda


4 comments:

GrammaGrits said...

Always hard to lose those we love. Just learned that my dear MIL has aggressive lymphoma and we will go to help care for her. Blessings to you and the family you love still grieving, too.

Jackie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, sweet friend....

Unknown said...

Your writing is so beautiful. Its hard to read without bringing tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear friend.

Unknown said...

Your writing is so beautiful. Its hard to read without bringing tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear friend.

God is Good ALL the Time! The Last Six Months....

          "You will lose someone you can't live without and your               heart will be broken. The bad news is that you neve...