Living with Resolve...

             Sometimes the way to move forward is actually to throw an
         anchor. To profoundly commit. To steady yourself in a
         drifting world and say, 
                 "This is who I am. This is how it will be."
         Maybe the journey is to find resolve- and discover
         something beautiful in the process.

Until this morning I didn't know who Dennis Fullman was
and I had no idea that reading his words would change my life
or result in his blog post. You may not have heard of Dennis either.
If you saw his picture, you might notice that his well worn face has a smile that touches deep in your heart.

When I read his story and saw a picture of Dennis I said aloud,
"That's someone I want to know."

Before saying more about Dennis, it makes sense to share a bit of the backstory of our lives...Bert's and mine. The words don't come easily, but the tears do. This morning as the snow gently blankets the trees and the fireplace spreads a steady warmth over our home, it's as good a time as any to talk about Bert and talk about Dennis.

The first words Dennis wrote took my breath away...
" When things get back to normal" is something we never say anymore. I have terminal cancer, so nothing is normal. No day or year, because it's all pretty tumultuous with the medical ups and downs. But the truth is , I think we've found something better than "normal" days. My wife, Lilly, calls it tunnel vision- "the good kind." Because we are choosing to be intentional and live with resolve every single day. We've chosen not to look too far ahead
and not to get stuck in sorrow. We stay focused on the present day.
We steady ourselves committed to each other, living this life
as well as we can, resolved in our desire to finish well, no matter
how many days I have left on the earth."
                                                            Dennis Fullman (1952-2019)  

"Resolved in our desire to finish well" keeps echoing through
my mind and heart. Not his desire to finish well, not her desire to finish well.  But our desire to finish well. 

I said out loud..."That's it! That's what we are doing too, Bert and I. We are living with resolve, committed to each other, and we are resolved to live this part of life as well as we can...resolved in our desire to finish well.

It's not easy to talk about death and dying. It makes people uncomfortable. When someone we love is ever so slowly but surely heading to the finish line of their life, we don't know what to say
or do. Should we cheer them on? Should we say everything that is in our hearts? Should we move toward them instead of slowly inching away because of our own fears and discomforts?

What I know for sure is that after 35 plus years of being married to my beloved Bert that I love him now more than ever. I don't know
how many days, weeks or months he has left, but my deepest heart of hearts knows he could be gone tomorrow. Yet there is a peacefulness and resolve in Bert that I have seen every day since I met him.

The nurses who are helping to care for Bert constantly tell me how wonderful he is, how giving and open his heart is, and how he talks to them about how much he loves me. On their last visit to our home I said aloud, "I should probably get things in order" meaning things that will happen after Bert dies. Erin looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I would do that sooner rather than later."
Then, without skipping a beat, we went on to talk about the
kind of man Bert is and that how he is dying with grace and love and dignity and humor is a mirror of how he has been living all of these years.  

Bert loves and trusts God completely. He lives the words, 
"Put your hand in the hand of the Man who stilled the waters,
Put your hand in the hand of the Man who calmed the sea..."

Almost every day Bert tells me that he couldn't love me more.
I tell him that if his soul goes home to God first, when it's my time to go, my soul will find his soul. If I go first, his soul will find my soul when he goes home to God. And if we go home to God at the same time, our souls will hold hands as we make that last journey."

We are living with resolve in our desire to live well and finish well, no matter how many days Bert has left on this earth. 

And we are so grateful to God for holding us in this last part of the journey. 

God Bless!
Love, 
Linda