Meet Me in morning stillness,
while the earth is fresh with the
dew of My Presence.
-Jesus Calling, May 4th
I remember those days way too well.
The days when I could put on the face of pretense and get away with it.
The days when no matter what was going on inside, my outside demeanor didn't give away the truth of how I was really doing.
Those days are gone, long gone.
I'm not sure if it comes with age...
this innate desire...
this almost compelling sense of urgency...
this I just don't have the energy...
to fake it any more.
pretend any more.
Truthfully, it's a little scary how it can sneak up on you, this need to be authentic.
Maybe it's remembering that the cost of pretending, and putting on a mask, just becomes too costly.
The price of pretending that everything is fine when it simply isn't, is a cost we are no longer willing to pay.
A cost I am no longer willing to pay.
The cost is too great and the reward is too small.
Actually, there is no reward at all for pretending to be something you are not. Or pretending to be fine when you are not.
So now, at 69, I find myself in a quandary. I have so much to be grateful for. And I am...grateful, very grateful.
Yet the past few weeks have felt like a mix of miraculous, amazing, traumatic, overwhelming and gut-wrenching.
So much has gone on that I haven't had the time, or taken the time, to process it all.
It feels like it's sort of sitting in a big 'ol ball in the center of my stomach. Like it's hard to take a full and relaxing breath.
It feels overwhelming right now. Really overwhelming.
Feels is the operative word here. I'm a feeler and I feel deeply, really deeply. That's how God made me and it's not always easy to feel things with such intensity.
I love deeply. I cherish deeply. I celebrate deeply. I get scared deeply. I commit deeply.
Yet in the midst of the overwhelm, some things remain the same. The anchors in my life when the waters are choppy.
What I know to be true remains the same and I believe this with all of my heart. I come back to this knowing almost hour-by-hour or when needed, minute-by-minute.
I know that God loves me.
I know that He is right here with me.
He is here in the midst of the hard and very hard.
All of the details of the "hard" do not belong on this blog. Those of you who know me, really know me,
know exactly what they are. I have been scared and frightened and confused and barely breathing the past few weeks.
I just keep asking God to be here with me, to be with my loved ones, ... to help us know what is the next step to take.
I am trying to quietly listen to His answer.
Often the still small voice inside that I know is His
message for me says...
Be still and know that I am God!
Be still, Linda.
It's not a "please be still" message or a "sometimes be still" message.
In fact, it's not just a message.
It's a commandment.
And the "know that I am God!" part is a commandment, too.
It's a reminder about who is really in charge here.
And it isn't me.
For those of us who wish we could control outcomes, this is a tad bit hard.
Okay, really hard.
And I keep asking God this question...
What am I to do, Lord? What am I to do?
And His answer comes through loud and clear..
Be still. Know that I am here.
Know that I am at working in every situation.
I am here in the hard and very hard!
I hold You, Linda, and all of your loved ones, in the palm of My Almighty hand!
I will not leave you nor forsake you.
So this morning I am letting go of the need to know the outcomes of it all and seeking my Heavenly Father in the morning stillness. I am resting in His arms and trusting in His love. I am being still and knowing in my deepest heart-of-hearts that He is God and all is well!
And this morning, friends...
that is enough.
"We are all just walking each other home." ...