Tears and more tears...

                                          "For me and my true love
                                  will never meet again
                                  O' the bonnie, bonnie banks 
                                  of Loch Lomond."

It had been building up for weeks, that sense that I was in for
a very big cry. Not the usual cry, mind you, but the kind that shakes your body and your soul. The kind of cry that is just waiting for something or someone to be the release valve.

It started when we learned that Bert's very dear, long-ago friend John Jankovsky, had died. John had gone to Mexico, partly because his post-polio symptoms were worsening. He needed warm weather. While he may have changed locations, he was still in Bert's heart with stories about adventures and fishing that always included John. We were shocked to know that John was gone, and there was no chance to say goodbye.

That same week, my very dear friend, Dr. Mark Paxton, died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. For two days he had not felt great so they took him to Sacred Heart to check him out. The next morning he was slated to come home. However, he died that morning of a massive heart attack. Bert and I were again in disbelief. How could this vigorous, 63 year old athlete, oral surgeon be gone? In an instant. Again, no chance to say goodbye.

I could feel the hurt building, my heart aching, but I just kept doing what I always do. After all, I learned at an early age that "when the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I needed to be tough, be there for those grieving. I felt more and more tired physically, yet muscled through getting up at the usual three am. One morning I actually got up at 2:00, I was at SCC by 4am, and grading papers by 4:15am.

Larry, the maintenance man, poked his head in my classroom. He shook his head and muttered, "Are you nuts, girl?" "Don't you know that it's 4 am. I looked at him, laughed and dismissed his concern.

And I just muscled my way through the week.

Then this Saturday morning, up as usual at 3am, I went to check my phone. There were three messages I hadn't seen before.
All three were from my son Erik, a police officer in Seattle.
The message was short and concise, and said, "Here's Rosie's concert." My granddaughter Rosie, who's a college soccer player, 
was standing on a stage all by herself. I clicked the arrow and she began to sing.

It was an old song, a song I knew well. After all, I am part-Scottish on my Dad's side and every Scot has heard "Loch Lomond" over and over." I had heard it growing up and could sing the chorus along with Rosie.

Yet, I wasn't one minute into the song before I started to cry uncontrollably. All of the feelings that had been pushed aside about John and Mark Paxton and the horrible, horrible massacre in Florida of unsuspecting high school students...
well it all over-flowed.

I prayed as I sang and sobbed. "Oh dear God, please be with
all of the hurting people."After all, this song whose chorus
was easy to hum along with, was really about a captured Scottish soldier and a letter to his true love that he would never be coming home again. I also couldn't imagine, as I listened to the lyrics, how I would feel if my true love, my beloved Bert, wasn't here to be with any more. Just that thought left me understanding how John's family and Mark's wife, Diane, must be feeling.

Here's that plaintive melody...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_94n_q-jr8

When things get tough, and they do for all of us from time-to-time,
I ask myself, and I ask God, what am I supposed to learn from all of this grieving and sadness. What is my "take-away life lesson?"...as I like to call it. 

What came back, and what God put on my heart, was simple and true. "Tell them you love them, and tell them now!"

So today, after listening to my precious granddaughter Rosie sing Loch Lomond, and seeing the snow fall gently hour-after- hour here in Spokane, I am taking the time to tell those I love that I love them. They matter to me. I want them to know this now.

For those of you I know and love who are reading this blog, 
please know that I love you dearly and hold you close to my heart. You are a gift from Him to my life. I am so, so grateful for God's love and oh so grateful for your love too.

God Bless!
Love,
Linda