Saturday, May 24, 2014

I Always Thought...Reflections on an Unsettled Heart

Bring me your mind for rest and renewal.
Let me infuse My presence into your thoughts.
As your mind stops racing, your body relaxes,
and you regain awareness of Me. This awareness
is vital to your spiritual well-being; it is your
                                 -  Jesus Calling for May 24th

I always thought that by the time I reached my sixties that all of life would fall into place, that I would have more answers than questions.

I always thought that wisdom would settle in like 
sinking into an old, familiar couch, where you were immediately comfortable and at home. 

I always thought.

I always thought that with aging came comfort, came peace, 
came tranquility. Like the puzzle pieces coming together
effortlessly. Sliding in, fitting nicely, with a sigh of contentment.
I saw aging as well-earned rest and reward. A mind and heart at peace.

I always thought.

Instead, it seems, at sixty seven, that life has so many new learnings at every turn. That some of what once filled my heart and took my attention may not make much sense any longer.

Usually I am oh. so. comfortable in my own skin, but that just
isn't true these days. While some things still feel like constants,
and I am where I am supposed to be, more often than not  I am re-thinking and re-examining who God wants me to be. I am nudged and pulled and twisted to look at life through a new lens.

His lens. 

I am acutely aware that there are more days behind me than in front of me. I want every day to count, to mean something, to be tapped into His agenda for me, not my own. His open- 
hearted living for me. His deep gratitude for me. His sense of
purpose for me. 

I have always had a heart for social justice and hurt people,
His people, no matter where they are. No matter  the color of their skin, no matter how much education they have or how rich or poor they are. They are all His children. All of them. 
Every. single. one.

Sometimes it's easier to close my eyes. Pretend I don't see.
Or feel my plate is too full to make a difference. But He has my
eyes wide open these days.

What I know for sure is that when His children hurt, 
He hurts.
What I also know for sure is that when they hurt, 
I hurt too.

I can't stand to see people be hungry. It breaks my heart every time. That's why I bring food every day into my classroom...
oranges, always oranges, and cookies and muffins and apples.
If the bellies of my beloved students are full, so can their minds be full. That's why I carry apples in my car. I can't drive by someone on a corner, holding a sign-asking for help, without my heart breaking.

Some years back my precious Grandson, Jacob, taught me a huge life-lesson. A God-lesson. Jacob was starting to read and would sound out the words on the hand-held signs, held by the homeless and hurting on almost every corner. 

His small voice in the back seat would say..."I am hungry and anything will help." And then he would look at me. 
His Nana.
And he would whisper..."What are we going to do?"

And that's when the apples in the car began. Hand out an apple or a bag of apples, or a happy meal. Began. Keep food in the car to give away. Began.

And the children shall lead them.

I can't do much, I can't fix everything...but I can give them food.
That's why, at a recent food drive at the college where I teach, I kept filling up grocery cart after grocery cart at the store. I can't stand that many of my students and their precious babies are worrying about putting food on the table.

The lyrics to a song at Church keep pulsing
through my mind....
        " Break my heart for what breaks Yours."

In truth, this time of life that I thought would be infused with
great comfort, instead has my skin itching, my mind racing and my heart breaking. 

Yet I know He wants me to breathe and rest in Him. I know He wants me to infuse His presence into my thoughts. He wants to calm my racing mind and relax and trust in Him.

And I also know that He wants me to shed some parts of my life that take up time and space. Parts that no longer have meaning for me or for Him. Those "That was then and this is NOW!" parts.

He is my life-line and my fortress and my strength. He
will direct my steps. He is my lens and I will focus on His
goals for me.

My unsettled heart will be settled as I give myself fully to the God I know and love and serve. And while I am still here, I will do His work.

Sometimes children show us the way in doing God's work-
don't miss this. It may change your day.

Amen and Amen!
God Bless!
Love you to the moon and back!


1 comment:

Peggy Sue said...

Oh Linda, once again an amazing beautiful post! I too, thought things would slow down as I got older... But i have come to understand..the more we learn, the more he gives us to learn..thus the chaotic things in life, the hurting in life..touches us more deaply then ever before! I will be 50 shortly..but I too have more days behind me then in front of me...more so in a sense because both my biological parents have father at 58 and my mom at makes me realize if I am lucky perhaps I have 20 years..oh yes, I know only the lord knows my time..but it is a real tangiable thought provoking realization. I know without a doubt at any moment...the 'C' word can pop into my life..or another illness..because I am not immune to it..and I realize every day is a gift. And like you, I am trying every day to be an example of him..and to live my life fully with alot of love...but the heartache and pain out there...tends to become more clear..and I feel helpless as well..with trying to change something so my dear Linda are a earthly angel...your apples...your giving heart! Out of the mouthes of babes..comes the most beautiful lessons... Love to you Linda and Happy memorial weekend!!

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