I do not understand
the mystery of grace-
only that it meets us
where we are, but does
not leave us where it
Some days I so wish I could just turn off my heart
and go about life not feeling its twists and turns
at every corner of the roller coaster ride. I look at some folks who seem to just stroll through chaos and hurt with nary a scratch or bruise and I wonder, what would that be like...not to feel everything to the core?
And then I stop and remember...this is how God made me. My creator does not make mistakes and He created me with a heart that feels great JOY and feels great PAIN...and everything in between.
My poor Mom didn't know what to do with that part of me. It was just such a mystery to her. She saw me being exuberantly happy and joy-filled and she saw me crying a river of tears with my best friend whose puppy was run over by a car. And she was flumixed by it all.
From time to time she would sit me down and we would have "the talk."
"I'm worried about you," she would say, starting a conversation we had had many times.
"You just feel everything so deeply, honey. I'm afraid that one day your heart will break and you just won't be able to put all of the pieces back together again."
And I would reply, as if almost on cue, "Sort of like Humpty Dumpty?"
"Yes, honey. Exactly like Humpty Dumpty."
I recalled the nursery rhyme always wondering
why Humpty Dumpty sat on that wall. Did he lose his balance? Did he jump? Had he just had enough of mean and ignoring people?
I knew the nursery rhyme well, but I had always wanted to have a chat with Humpty. It would go something like this...
"Ok, Humpty. I get it, I do. Your heart is already broken. You had a 'great fall' and then all the king's horses and all of the king's men couldn't put you back together again. Right?"
And of course Humpty would say, "Right."
I would continue the conversation and remind Humpty of some "new news," some "great news,"some "life-changing news."
"Well,"I would say, "I had a broken heart, too. And only my Creator could put it back together again."
I remember well feeling so broken that my "feeling heart" seemed shattered. Completely shattered. And I just didn't have the words to try to explain to those around me that when you feel things deeply, and God made you with a "feeling heart," that you can't imagine every feeling happy again.
Yet that's where God's healing grace comes into the picture.
He can heal a heart that is shattered.
I know that for sure because He healed mine,
years and years ago.
He picked up the pieces and in a solemn promise
let me know that He had made me to feel everything and that I was enough...just the way I am.
He also promised me that the day would come
when someone would come along and help heal my heart by loving me completely. That person would love that I feel and love deeply.
And that healing person was my beloved Bert.
Almost thirty four years ago Bert came into my life and helped to minister to me and love me, broken heart and all.
What a gift to be seen.
What a gift to be cherished.
What a gift to know God's grace will meet me where I am, but it does not leave me where it found me.
That is where my hope is stored.
The gift of God's grace came along, just when I needed it so desperately. That present is more exciting, life-giving and life-changing than any gift beautifully wrapped, waiting to be opened on Christmas morning.
And today my "feeling heart" is filled with gratitude!
God bless you and may you know in your deepest
heart of hearts that God's grace can meet you exactly where you are.
"We are all just walking each other home." ...