Put your hand in the hand...

                         "Put your hand in the hand of the Man 
                        who stilled the waters,
                 Put your hand in the hand of the Man
                         who calmed the sea."

This morning, when I clicked on a post by Bonnie Gray, my heart almost stopped. I read her first sentence and the tears started to flow. It said what I haven't been able to say out loud....

                    Sometimes you run out of words.

Most folks could not imagine that sentence could apply to me.
*After all, I am a heavy extrovert.
*After all, I am a teacher who teaches communication classes.
*After all, I love verbal exchanges that are real and authentic.

                      Run out of words, you might be thinking. 
                                          Not Linda?

Yet every time I have tried to turn to this blog and put down what I have been feeling and experiencing, I have felt so overwhelmed that I just couldn't do it. After all, it would make it all seem very real if I found the words to tell the whole story, or even a small part of it.

I've asked God, time and time again, for the words to put down, hoping if I did I might find some peace in the process.

Yet what has come up, during this very painful time. is a simple verse from the Bible that used to make me smile...

                  "Be still and know that I am God!"

This time I actually listened. I have worked on being still and sitting and praying, constantly turning my overwhelm over to Him.
His shoulders are strong, and I have put my hand in His hand. 
Just as He promised, He has carried me.

The gist of what is going on, as simply put as I can make it is this...
                  
                 The loss of dear ones, ones so close to my heart, 
                                   has broken my heart.

While it may sound over-dramatic to some...the truth is that my heart feels broken. In the midst of many good things and blessings,
in the midst of great joys and gratitude, the loss of dear ones has me flabbergasted, almost speechless.

When Vicky Westra died and went home to God last October 13th,
I knew that her death was on the horizon. While I didn't know exactly when she would be gone from earth, she knew and I knew
it would be soon. We called each other "soul sisters," Vicky and I. 

We were so real with each other and did so with a sense of comfort and safety. During the last weeks of her life we texted back and forth every day. I was a sort of a "surrogate Mom" for her, she used to say.

When I saw Rick's post In God's Hands...I knew she was gone.
Yet I had no idea, absolutely no idea how big the hole would be with her absence. Like many others, I miss her every day.

At night when I'm out on the swing in our back yard, and the tears start to flow about Vicky, I practice putting my hand in the hand of Jesus...knowing He understands great loss.

Then, Ann Price, my dear friend and neighbor was diagnosed, out of the blue, with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Her memorial service was this last Saturday.

Joe Feryn, a dear friend of my daughters and in his 40s, passed away from leukemia, and his service is next Saturday. 

Our dear neighbor, Julia, who is 12 is fighting a wilm's tumor and isn't expected to live a long life.

My dear friend Eileen Thompson has ALS and is in assisted living with her husband Rog Sr.

Jackie, my forever friend, found out that her dear Daddy has leukemia.

Sharon's precious Scoutie has cancer.

The list goes on and on....

With each loss, and trying to support those who are left behind,
I have had some very tough conversations with God. I know that He does not give people cancer, or other illnesses, yet I am so sad and mad to lose these wonderful, wonderful folks. Everyone who knew them and loved them is grieving.

And on my own home front, my beloved Bert has been very ill and
has nursing care coming to our home. I know God holds my beloved in the palm of His hand....

            Yes, sometimes you just run out of words.

What I know for sure is that God didn't promise me that I wouldn't lose loved ones. Yet what He did promise me is that He would be
with me in the hard losses. He will never leave me or forsake me.
He knows that my heart is broken and He gently holds my broken heart in the palm of His almighty hand. He understands loss. When I put my hand in His, I have a sense in the midst of the hurt, that...

              "All is well...no matter what, all is well."

He also reminds me to be grateful that these wonderful people have been in my life. What a blessing it is, and has been, to share my life with them. I loved them with my whole heart, just like they loved me that way too.

So, for today, I am focusing on gratitude. I am grateful that God led me to Bonnnie's post. Her sentence "sometimes you run out of words" was truly a gift from God. It helped to dislodge my overwhelm. It helped me to remember that God is with me in every loss, and I can put my hand in His hand and all is well!

And for that blessing... I am so, so grateful!

Sending you loves, hugs and prayers!
God Bless!
Love, Linda