I don't know why life isn't constructed to be seamless and safe, why we make such glaring mistakes, things fall so short of our expectations, and our hearts get broken. I don't know why it isn't more like it is in the movies, why things don't come out neatly and lessons can't be learned when you are in the mood to learn them, why love and grace often come in such motley packaging.
-Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
Okay, straight out let me just say that I am so confused and pissed off and angry and sad that I can hardly keep my fingers on the keys of this computer. From day one of my life, I have been a passionate person whose faith and relationship with God mirrors my real life.
When I am confused and sad and angry...I let God know.
I am often around others who talk about their faith and discouragements in such gracious and glowing terms. Sometimes I wish I was like that. More rational, trusting, gracious and laid back.
However, if I am being truthful, from time to time and under dire circumstances my faith has always been laced with what I call my "Okay, I'm pissed!"... talks with God.
I talk to God all the time. I talk to God when I am happy and content. I talk to God in the car and when I take a walk. I talk to God when I hit a snag in a classroom and when I am so confused and so pissed off that I can hardly breathe.
Today is one of those confused, sad and pissed off days, and I am working minute by minute to trust God Almighty with all of what is going on.
I am listening to the gospel song "Be Still and Know That I Am God"...yet I am struggling to be still.
If you are looking to read wisdom laced with grace, I'd stop reading this post right now. This is me when I am close to the end of my rope. Praying alternately with tears and asking God to help, please help.
"Help!" is the only prayer that makes any sense today.
What you may not know about me is that when you mess with my children and you hurt them, you mess with me.
I was like a mother bear when they were little. I knew they would have to experience pain and disappointment in life and I had no trouble letting them learn those skills. They are all adults now, and they are all fully capable of managing life's ups and downs.
Yet when someone or something of undo proportion and power makes ridiculous decisions that truly hurt them, well... then my blood boils.
I somehow feel relieved that Jesus also experienced anger when he was in the temple and the money changers were defiling something sacred. Jesus got pissed. He yelled. He let everyone know that this is not how things should operate.
Case in point, a Health System and insurance company that decides to "change their policy" and in the process eliminates the one procedure that brings relief to my youngest daughter's neck injury.
And they didn't even bother to let her know they were doing it.
As she set up an appointment with the doctor who does a "nerve burn", a horrible procedure that eventually gives relief to unimaginable pain, she was told that Group Health has a new policy. The new policy states that you can only have three of these procedures in your life time.
My daughter needs four of these each year to sustain anything close to a normal life.
Now don't imagine that I am not grateful to God that she survived being hit by a car when she was running along side a road. I am grateful beyond belief.
She could have died or been paralyzed. Yet she lives with pain so intense, and headaches so awful, that almost every part of her life is impacted daily by what happened to her in that accident.
This "nerve burn" procedure is all that is left to help her quality of life.
For those who have dealt with health insurance and important life-saving options that are "not covered" by insurance, you know how I am feeling right now.
It is unthinkable. To me, it is unethical to withhold treatment because it costs the insurance company money to do the procedure.
And the appeal process, to get them to change their minds, may take months.
So I feel a little bit like Jesus in that temple.
Underneath that anger is a deep fear and sadness.
I know that. I get that. And I am asking God to help me work through that.
Like Ann Lamott says, " why isn't life constructed to be seamless and safe?" It just isn't.
What I know for sure is that we are all holding on to Jesus in this latest unexpected turn of events.
We are praying for help. We know that prayer is powerful. Would you join us in prayer? Would you ask God to have Group Health reverse this decision
or help my daughter find an insurance company that will cover this procedure for her. Or...for God to just heal her, here and now. Heal our Amy's neck.
I know God can make a way where there seems to be no way. And that's what we are asking for today.
Thanks for listening and praying.
"We are all just walking each other home." ...